Saturday, August 20, 2011

The Anxiety Riddled Rant

So here I sit in my new apartment (that doesn't look new at all and was definitely a let down at first sight) and I can't help but feel a bit forlorn. I think I'm really going to like it, it definitely has character, and is in a pretty great location. So why is it that I'm feeling this way?

One, I hate change. Even when it's good change, it's in my very nature to resist it. I can't tell you why, though I do know it's something that I have ALWAYS struggled with, since kindergarden, maybe even before.

Also, as during every summer, I am hesitant to leave my family. Although they drive me absolutely nuts when I'm home, and even though I'm only a short three hours or so away, it still feels like I'm on another planet when I'm away from them. Most people my age can't wait to get away from home and stay away, but I consider myself lucky to have such close relationships with my family. I think I have a pretty good deal. I used to think it was strange that I didn't want to leave home. & although now I do see the benefit of having distanced myself from them for a time, I do know that in the future I'll always want to live near them. I've never really had the luxury of being near grandparents, or aunts and uncles, so my immediate family are the ones I've always turned to. And I can always turn to them, for anything. So maybe there's that not wanting to change again. I'm used to having my family there for me and I'd like to keep it that way.

I think another issue I'm dealing with while being back in San Marcos is facing my future. Although I felt very strongly about becoming a teacher just a short time ago, and at times still do, I just don't quite feel that passion that I think I should. I don't know if there's something wrong with me, or if maybe I misunderstood my sudden acceptance of going into the education field... whatever it is, I'm no longer sure I'm completely happy. This means I am faced with yet another problem, to change majors or not? Will I regret it if I do?

Maybe there's a reason for all of this anxiety, and I just haven't figured it out yet. I know God has a plan for me, I just wish he would give me the road map, Adjustment Bureau* style. Show me the journal and I can follow the path. I know it doesn't work like that, and it shouldn't. I just wish I wasn't so confused.

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