[[I don't write very many personal blogs all about me, so sorry, you'll just have to suffer through this one.]]
I can't remember the last time I cried in a public place, before today.
It all started at 4:30am when my darling little Elphie woke me from a deep sleep. I don't know what she was doing to wake me up but by the time I sat up and turned the light on, she was sitting very demurely on the top of my dresser, starring down at me with her big, green innocent eyes. She was all too wide awake, which kept me awake, and left me with maybe 45 more minutes of sleep before my alarm went off.
I started the day off fairly happy, anxious about a few things, but overall hopeful. However, when it took me about 5 clicks to get the front apartment gate open I really should have taken that as a sign and went back to my apartment and straight to bed. I didn't.
My 8am went fairly smoothly, fun even, as we we spent most of the day drawing. The rest of the day I would cling to that fond memory of a time when I wasn't ready to bang my head against a wall.
I was at my locker after class, putting something away, and I saw one of my old professors looking in my direction, I waved and said hi to him. He either ignored me (which I doubt) or didn't see me and went back into his office. Either way I felt ridiculous.
Later on I headed the elevator, as I was on the first floor and my photo class is on the fourth. Of course the elevator was not working. So I take what feels like 8 flights of stairs up to get to photography. I developed my film from our first project, which I am very pleased to say turned out just fine despite my anxiety over it. However the group I work with in the class is always a step behind everyone else because we don't have enough time and space for the entire class to work at one time. So while the first group began making their contact sheets our professor was explaining to us, verbally mind you, how we would go about making ours when we found the time. Of course this did nothing but confuse me because if I don't see someone doing it first hand, I have no clue what I'm doing. So while my group is all waiting around my professor takes a look at my Minolta camera to check and make sure the batteries I just bought work properly. And of course, they don't! It took me forever to find the right battery for this camera, and that was after realizing I didn't have the right lens for the other film camera I had to use, and finally ordering them online, paying extra for two day shipping of course. So either the batteriess I got are the wrong kind (which I do not think so) or the camera itself is somehow broken. Either way, I've wasted money, or at the very least will have to spend more to either buy a lens for the last camera or fix this one.
When my group and I finally have time to get into the darkroom, I realize I don't have my paper with me on the fourth floor but in my locker, on the first. Luckily the elevator was working again, though it took forever to get to me. So I get back to class with my paper, and without even thinking I pull the paper out of the box. Now for those of you who have never dealt with developing film or pictures you probably didn't just gasp like everyone else reading this did. The photo paper is light sensitive. In other words, I ruined an entire, brand new box of photo paper. So not only am I slightly behind in the class because I can't create my contact sheets, but I now have to spend more money on a new box of paper. And almost as bad as that, I opened it in front of two other students from my class, which left me completely embarrassed when they pointed out what I had done and feeling utterly incompetent. Had I at least done it by myself I could have moved on and played it off as though I just didn't have any paper. Of course maybe I wouldn't even have realized it and wouldn't have known why my contact sheets weren't coming out right. There are two sides to every coin I suppose.
At this point I want to break down in tears. I had that awful lump in my throat and tears stinging the back of my eyes, but of course I laughed it off, laughed at myself and left the classroom as quickly as possible after class was over. I headed straight for the bathroom, picked one of the last stalls and immediately broke into tears. Whenever I see girls crying in the bathroom I have two reactions. One is to ask them what's wrong and if they're okay, which I rarely do because that could potentially be incredibly awkward, and the second is the wonder what the heck could be so bad that they have to cry in public. Well today I was on the other side of those questions. I didn't like it. I tried to stay in the stall for an appropriate amount of time to let my tears clear and my red skin dimish somewhat, especially because I heard some girls talking about when they would be graduating and other school related things (who stops to talk in the bathroom?!) and at one point heard one of them say they thought someone was crying in one of the stalls. Congratulations, you have super human ears. Sure enough when I left the stall two of them turned to look at me as I went to wash my hands and I saw in the mirror exactly what they must have seen: a girl who had just been crying in a bathroom stall. Classy.
Anyway I thought the worst of my day was over. I spent my hour and a half break eating lunch and listening to angry Alanis Morisette and Kelly Clarkson music and then headed for Physics. Of course when I get to the hallway my class is in in the science building there are no seats so I stand against the wall with my heavy backpack, heavy camera bag, and big art portfolio waiting for the pervious class to leave. A guy that was sitting across from where I was standing stood up, picked up his two 7 Up cans from the floor and walked away. I thought maybe he was just being a nice guy and letting someone else (because I wasn't the only girl standing and waiting for class) to take a seat. I wait to see if anyone else wants to take it, because I'm just a nice person like that, and when no one does I pick up all of my stuff and take a seat, setting everything back down at my feet. The class before ours finally lets out and we're getting ready to file in as I pick up my camera bag and set it on my lap. At that moment I realized that my leg where the bag had been sitting was soaking wet. I look down, and what is pooled on the floor under my backpack full of books and camera bag carrying two cameras? SPILLED 7 UP! Which would explain why the guy had two cans of it. He wasn't thirsty, he was just clumsy! So my jeans, as well as all of my belongings, are covered in sticky soda. Perfect.
Class went by without a disaster, though I was getting a stomach ache and had a pretty severe head ache. We even got released 15 minutes early. So I walked to my car, which was way, way too far away for this 101 degree temperature outside but I made there just fine and headed to Walgreens to get some cash for a t shirt I need to buy in my CI class tomorrow. And as I'm getting out of the car and reach behind me to do something, I can't even remember what now, I pulled a muscle in my shoulder. FAN-FREAKING-TASTIC. Now not only do I still have a head ache, but my left shoulder is incredibly sore.
I usually keep it together pretty well. Today was an exception. I just have to keep telling myself that I'm not the only one that has bad days, and even on my worst of days, God is watching over me and will make sure everything turns out for the better, despite current problems and anxieties.
I am now sitting in my bedroom, with my sleepy kitty and the curtains closed, watching Friends, and praying for a better rest of the week.