Friday, November 11, 2011

The Symbolism of 11:11 on 11/11/11.

I have always seen myself as an artist, period. And not the kitschy, no-one-understands-me, wounded artist crap, but just as a person who finds beauty in so many places in life that it just has to spill out somewhere! That's the only way I can describe it. Unfortunately, despite having grown up thinking I would one day persue a career in art (to hell with everyone who said I wouldn't be able to make a living at it), I came to college with the realization that a major in art, just about any form of art, could not guarantee me a safe future.

I'm a planner and I don't make any decisions without thinking everything through and being sure of the outcome. That's how I was raised, and how I like being. I like stability and I do everything in my power to stay that way; stable. This is why I had decided I should major in education, because we will always need teachers. They are so important to our society! But also because I have had so many great teachers that have changed me so profoundly, that I wanted to be like them, to change someone else's life for the better. Unfortunately the further I'm getting into the major the less I like it. I love, love, love children! And I wish so much to make a difference in someone's life one day. But I'm not excited about anything I'm learning, or even about the prospect of having my own classroom in the future. It shouldn't be like that. I should be impatient to get out there and have my own students, and I'm not! I'm not excited for many reasons, but the biggest one being that I feel like I'm trying to fit into a role that isn't mine. Since elementary school I feel like it was assumed I would be a teacher, because I loved school so much. I loved reading and writing and learning and honestly I loved teachers. For many years I thought that's what I wanted to be, and then for a time I was dead set against it, and then finally caved. Seeing it written down I guess that was quite a roller coaster.

Despite the fact that I am now in my junior year of college, I have finally found the courage to change my path in life. I plan on changing my major to Communication Design. This isn't a typical "artist" career, but I will definitely have the chance to create and use my artistic skills on a daily basis, and really, that's what I've always wanted. And at the same time it gives me a wide array of opportunities after school. Not to mention time on the side to write my novels, and work on my photography. That's something that teaching, except during the summers, would not allow me.

This has been such a nerve wracking, heart breaking decision for me. I want so badly to see myself as a teacher, but I just can't. And I'm having to trust God's plans for me and believe that he has brought me to this point and will guide me towards the future I deserve. I spent days looking for signs around me that I should stay in education or switch, before I realized that the signs won't appear in outward manifestations. I don't think God works that way. He dwells within me and doesn't need the outside world to communicate with me. So I'm trying, though it is very difficult, to look inward and try my best to follow the path he has set for me. I don't know why it was necessary for me to spend so much time on a major that I'm not going to be in anymore, but I don't really need to. God knows what he's doing. So I'm just going to relax and let what come may, because with God on my side, everything will work out for the best.




So, today at 11:11 on 11-11-11, I wish to have more faith in myself, more faith in my abilities, my future, and God. And though I don't truly believe that such earthly things like time and numbers have anything to do with my faith in any of those things, it is definitely a symbolic gesture that I can appreciate. You know us writers and symbolism. 


5 comments:

  1. Congratulations! You just made a big leap! I wish you enough....! :D

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  2. I know this is a difficult time.
    Know that I'm proud of you.

    CSN

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  3. Thank you dad! I love you so much!
    Thank you Olivia! I really, really appreciate the support!

    ReplyDelete