Without going into any detail, I've been having a little bit of a hard time lately. Life is so monotonous. And happiness sometimes seems hard to define and also unattainable. And being away from my family and best friends, and home, really doesn't help any. It isn't that I'm unhappy. It's just that I'm... not... happy. That makes no sense in written form I realize, but inside, I feel it.
I'm not happy with myself. There are a lot of things about me that I want to change and I have struggled with that for many years. And then there's school. I only have a year left but it feels like it's never going to end... even though high school felt the same way and looking back it was over in the blink of an eye. I know, those things sound like things that everyone is dealing with, and they are, I'm sure. But there are a lot of other things going on that I probably won't ever talk about (at least not in a blog post). There are just a lot of little things right now that are adding up to one big giant thing thats making me question everything.
But the one thing that keeps me going right now? Prayer. And my daily devotional. It is absolutely amazing to me how often my devotional speaks right to my soul and answers questions that I didn't even know that I had. God's love for me brings tears to my eyes. The fact that he has made a path for me already, and walks down it with me, helps me to breathe easier. And I know that regardless of the difficulty of the path that I am on right now, I can find peace in my relationship with Him. And even though I don't know what tomorrow brings, or how to find true happiness... I know that God knows everything. And I don't have to have all the answers... no matter how much I wish that I did sometimes. That takes a lot of the burden off my shoulders.
I struggle. Every minute of every day. Letting go and putting my Faith into something I can't see is not easy. But then again, it probably shouldn't be. Lately it seems like every time I turn around God has a message for me. And no matter how many times I tell myself that it's probably just coincidental... that's bull, and I know it. God has big plans for me. I just need to learn to let go and to find happiness in the bigger picture, and in my Faith, rather than in the little things in life that can so easily let me down. Because He will never let me down. He knows everything, and He has my happiness in mind, even if if I don't know the exact definition of it.