Saturday, June 15, 2013

Life Lessons in a Lack of Lucidity

Feel free to skip my poem, which is the early morning result of the topic in the actual blog post.


Crash
This isn't how it's supposed to be
But clearly this is the end
After dodging rocks like bombs and parachutes
This is how I'll breathe my last
Dear God, help me through this.
I've lost control, all frictions gone
At least help me slow this down a bit
Turn the wheel
Turn the wheel
Please, please
Don't flip
Maybe I will make it out
Other people have
But no, I fear
I know this is the end
Doing better
A little better
I've slowed it down enough
But still I can't stop moving
No, stop turning
There's a pool of black before me
No way can I miss that
I still can't believe this is reality
One two three times slowed
And a heartbeat later
I know I'm going under
My brain is screaming
Breathe once, now
You won't have another chance
This isn't how it's supposed to be
But clearly this is the end
I reach for my belt
I've got to get out
But in seconds I am submerged
And just as I'm fully sunk
I get it
I'm awake
I'm awake


 (Photo by oO-Rein-Oo)


I used to have dreams all the time that I was in a moving car that was out of control. If you want to get super deep with that it might have something to do with a misunderstanding on an amusement park car ride (on a self-driven track) that I, by misunderstanding, thought I had to be able to actually drive myself, alone. There were lots of tears during and after that apparently traumatizing ride. But as I was saying, I've had quite a few dreams about being in an out of control vehicle before and it's always annoying, and sometimes scary, but it's never left me in a panic. In fact I don't recall ever waking up in a panic from a dream, though I'm sure it must happened when I was really little.

For someone like me, who has lucid dreams, dreams in which you know you're dreaming and can usually control most of what happens in them (at least that's the case for me), I don't have nightmares easily. So whether I'm traveling down the road in an out of control car or being chased by an alligator (go ahead, judge me), towards the part of those dreams where most people would become scared, I realize there's no way this is actually happening in real life, so it must be a dream, and therefore there is absolutely no reason to panic, because I can stop it whenever I want. I'm very analytical in my dream state, apparently.


(Photo by pirifool)

I tell you all of that because I had none of that lucidity last night, and by last night I mean at about 5:30 this morning. After being asleep for 2 hours, at the most, I had a horrible dream. I'd been dreaming the entire time I was asleep, and none of them were lucid dreams, at all. I was completely unaware. And after several nonsensical scene-changes I ended up in a car, driving down the highway, dodging falling parachute bombs, and rockets. Yep, you read that right. Without going into every single detail of the dream (which I could still accurately do at this point) let's just say I hit one of the little rockets and swerved off into the left lanes, and then kept going, driving through many things along the way, eventually ending up in a golf course pool, sinking. I woke up what I can only imagine was seconds away from what would have been my death. And the entire out of control drive, I was in utter disbelief that any of it was happening. Despite the complete unbelievability of what was going on around me, I was sure my life was over. And I was absolutely shocked that I was going to die so young and in such a horrible way. 

While in this, what must have been a very drawn out car crash, after moments after I woke I kept thinking about how we never think these things will happen to us. Especially people as young as myself, and younger. I've never considered myself invincible by any means, but in my mind is isn't even comprehensible that something so horrific could happen to me. That's never gonna happen to me. That's something that happens to other people. But that just isn't true.

After waking up from that dream in the dark, my heart was pounding and I couldn't shake that fear that I wasn't going to live through that car crash. I even had to turn the light on, and reassure myself that I was okay and there was nothing sinister lurking in the shadows of my innocent bedroom. I wasn't so much scared of the nightmare. I was scared of that feeling that it brought up. I was sure I was going to die. I don't even like thinking or typing that. Because it was a legitimate fear, as I slept, so fitfully, still safe in my bed.

This dream didn't transform my life, or anything so profound. But it did help me to put a few things into perspective in the wee hours of the morning. Enjoy every moment, every breathe. Be thankful and full of grace because you never know when your time on earth is going to end. There are things all around you, telling you to enjoy your life, and see the bright side, and enjoy the good things that you have and be thankful for them. Luckily those reminders usually don't come in the form of a nightmare, but I guess I'll take what I can get. We all need a little slap in the face every once in a while.

1 comment:

  1. There is nothing worse than that feeling! :/

    ReplyDelete