Heavy Teacher Hearts in the Face of a Pandemic

I spent an hour or more (definitely more) writing a long blog post in which I was trying to be funny and semi-informative and factual and at about paragraph 5 I realized that none of it was really relevant to how I'm feeling. So let's try this again...

I can't believe that what is happening right now around COVID-19 is actually happening and that despite the fact that today should be our first Monday back in the classroom after spring break here in Waco, TX, I will not get to see my students today, or this week. Or next week. And that's hard.

It's not hard because I don't need another week (or in this case two weeks) off. I could absolutely use a two week spring break. It's hard because I know (and SO many fellow teachers know) that many of our students would be far better off at school with us, than at home in situations that are less than ideal and in some cases just downright awful. (Please note that I am not referring to all of my students. Some of them have great home lives and parents who truly care! And even most of those who don't are still trying their best and I recognize that. This post is not in any way meant to shame anyone.)

Every time I see a facebook post about someone who is so excited to get time off from work or school, the following interaction, which took place between me and a 2nd grader the Friday before spring break replays in my mind...

This little boy, is absolutely one of my favorite students (you know... if I had favorites...) but he came into class ready for a fight that Friday. He wouldn't sit where he was supposed to, he was yelling, talking back, spinning around in a rolling chair he had no right to even sit in, bothering other students. He was a mess. Another teacher offered to call for behavior support for him as he was pacing by one of the exit doors at that point and I looked over at him, he looked at me, and I knew if support came to take him out, that was it. I'd lose the opportunity to find out what was actually wrong, because it's never as simple as it looks with him (or with any of our kids).

I had a very good track record of being able to get this student to calm down last year by making him laugh, but this year it's been harder. He's really good at shoving people away (emotionally), so this year I've learned to be really good at not letting him. He loves me, I know he does, but he constantly needs me to prove that I love him back. I see it every time he makes fun of me for no reason during class. He'll say something mean under his breath, just loud enough for everyone to hear. Usually it's about my appearance. I always give him "the look" but then continue on teaching. And I always see the regret in his eyes, every time. And unlike some older students who say rude things to get the attention of their peers, he's never watching for his classmates' reactions. He's always watching for mine. Will I yell at him? Will I threaten to write him an office referral? Will I tell him I hate him and kick him out of my room? No, of course not. None of the above. But I think for some reason that's what he expects at even the slightest provocation. What he typically gets from me instead is a short one-on-one conversation that always ends with him apologizing (without me having to ask), and a big hug. He really needs hugs. And then we're good. Because probably unlike a lot of people in his life, it would take a whole heck of a lot more than a couple nasty comments to make me not love him. Now has it gotten far enough that I did have to write him up and/or call home to parents? Yes, of course. But it's rare that it goes that far. Because all he's looking for is acknowledgment and proof that I can handle anything he throws at me.

He's a smart kid and he knows what he's doing. Which is how he knew, once I didn't call for behavior help for him, that he was going to get a one-on-one talk with me. I was lucky enough to have a second teacher with me that day so I was able to escort him out into the hallway to chat with him alone. He acted like he didn't want to go with me of course, but I sat down on a little window ledge and he sat down next to me, refusing to look at me at first, as he always does.

Me: "What's wrong?"
Shoulder shrug.
Me: "Are you upset about something?"
Long pause... head nod.
Me: "What are you upset about?"
Student: "I don't like spring break."
Me: "What, why not?" I knew the answer that was coming, and I wasn't at all sure how I'd be able to reassure him. But like I said, humor has always been my in with him. "It's because you're just gonna miss me so much isn't? I knew it."
Student (with the tiniest smile) shakes his head no.
Me: "No?! What?! But I'm your favorite!"
Student (with another small smile): "I'm gonna miss everyone. I like school. I want to stay here forever."

And just then my heart broke, not so much for what he was saying, but more for what he wasn't. He wasn't just upset because he wouldn't be at school, he was upset because he would be at home. And that breaks my heart. For many of our students, their safe place is at school. Not home.

I reassured him that it was only one week at home. I told him it would fly by so quickly and that he'd get to watch tv shows (which he loves) and sleep in and that as soon as we got back on Monday I'd be there and he'd have so much to tell me and I couldn't wait to hear all about it!

Well, that Monday is today. Right now. And he's still at home, and will be for a couple more weeks. COVID-19 is making a liar out of me and I'm not very happy about it. Could I have seen this coming? Of course not. None of us did. But to a child who clings to any adult who shows them kindness, being lied to by one of them is a big deal. And I'm sure my little speech about how it'll be a quick break and then he'd get to tell me all about it, definitely doesn't feel like the truth anymore. Even if it is out of my hands. He doesn't know that. And did I mention that within that same conversation about spring break he also asked me if I'd still be teaching at school after summer? I told him of course I would be. He can't get rid of me that easily.

This is why teachers are not celebrating two weeks off. It's not because we don't need the rest because trust me, we do. It's because we know that our kids are stuck at home too and home isn't always the best situation.

So at this moment, I sit here in my living room writing this post when what I should be doing is continuing a lesson on organic lines and forms with my 2nd graders and going over watercolor procedures while letting them know how much I missed them over that short one week break. Instead I'm sitting here worrying about whether or not they got breakfast and lunch today and who is at home watching them. Are they loving on them like I can? Are they making sure they're learning something and engaged and excited? Are they keeping them safe and reassuring them and hugging them whenever they need hugs no matter the potential for germ sharing? Because that's what I'd be doing. No matter what. That's what all of us teachers who are passionate about our jobs do. We love. And we reassure and we inspire. And we teach. Because we love. Because that's what we do.

So in these very uncertain times when everything feels extremely out of control and my anxiety is quickly trying to take over, I will pray. I will pray for my students and all students. And I will pray for all the teachers, knowing that my heart isn't the only one feeling a little under the weather this week, a little scared, a little worried, a little (or a lot) stressed. I pray that we can find comfort in knowing that social distancing is going to slow this virus and though it's difficult will be worth it in the long run and keep all of us healthier. I pray that we find peaceful rest that we so desperately need while stuck at home. And that we can trust in God's word and unending love to get us through this, no matter what comes next.