“‘We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. The old skin has to be shed before the new one can come,’ said Joseph Campbell. A hero is anyone who has the courage to surrender, to become, to show up and journey on.”
Those were just some of the words I read on my daily devotional app this morning before getting ready to head to work. They could not have been more appropriate and more enlightening.
It’s my first day back in my classroom this school year. It was surreal walking in, for many reasons. Not the least of which being I could very vividly remember what it felt like the last time I walked in. I cried then and I cried today. For two different reasons that are like two sides of a coin.
Last May I walked in and cried because it felt baron. It felt empty despite the art hanging all over the walls and filling up drawers to the brim. It felt devoid of life despite the art supplies left haphazardly in their places in bens and shelves. When I walked in then it was to end the year alone, sorting through hundreds of pieces of art that may or may not have found their way back to their creators and to put away materials that never got to be used to their full potential.
When I walked in today there was still that strange sense of emptiness as it hasn’t seen a child since before spring break, the first week of March. However, this time I entered knowing that it will be filled again this year, maybe not with as many students, but with students nonetheless. I teared up because it felt like coming home, seeing a part of myself that has been missing in these uncertain times. I pictured their faces (now covered in masks) as they'd enter the room again after so, so long. I also cried because I was blessed with admin who care so much and surprised me with a bunch of new supplies that I requested, but didn’t think would be high on anyone’s priority list this year, understandably. But I got them, and I can’t wait to pull them out with my kids because they are going to be so excited! Will we get to use all these amazing supplies? Maybe not this fall. Maybe Spring. Maybe not. But then there’s always next year, isn’t there?
I thought, as I think most teachers have thought, that if I survived my first year of teaching, I could survive anything. Well, clearly I didn’t see this pandemic coming. Everyone who knows me knows that I do not deal well with change. Last year I got into a groove both teaching and connecting with my students. I thought this year would be smooth sailing! Okay… that’s an exaggeration. Teaching is never smooth sailing for anyone, probably ever. However I did think it would be far easier than the last two years. Wow, was I wrong.
This year presents challenges that I never saw coming and changes that scare me. The thing that hasn’t changed though, is come that first day of school there will be kids on campus who need my love. Kids who will have missed me and new kids who are excited to meet me. Though I just spent the morning in my room covering bulletin boards and putting away new supplies and preparing for its eventual use, I may or may not get to be in my room this year. But what I know for sure is that I will still have my students. I may be teaching them on the playground or in the garden or in my room or in some other room, but no matter where I am, I will teach. It’s going to look different, it might feel different, the lessons may be different, but the end goal is the same. Love my students. Build relationships with my students. Make them feel safe. Make them feel heard. Make them feel known. Help them find their creative voice. And give them the confidence to use it. Those will always be my constants, my priorities, and my goals, my why. No matter how upside down everything else feels.
Now don’t quote me on this or hold it against me, because I know I’m still going to have days where things feel helpless and I won’t even know how to move forward, but right now I am optimistic. I am showing up. I am surrendering. I am taking one step at a time and not worrying past the things that I can control, which granted doesn’t feel like much right now. I’m not going to be hung up on how I thought this year should have been and instead look forward to the year that it will be. But I will do what we teachers always do and that’s just to do my best to be the teacher my students need me to be.
Well said babe. Proud of you, Things will be OK.
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