Thank goodness for slow Saturdays that allow for reflection and relaxation.
It has been a difficult year for me. For everyone, really. As an introvert I've found all this "social distancing" to be harder than I had anticipated and it has done a number on my mental health. Between that, my already existing anxiety, teaching in a pandemic, not living near my family, health issues that are popping up that are always on the forefront of my mind, and of course the entire climate of this country currently, I am finding it is very easy to slip into downward spirals these days. It's becoming easier to lean on vices and harder to ask for help. Easier to lay in bed and stare at the screen while Friends reruns play and harder to get out of bed and do something good for myself.
So this morning I got up early, opened all my windows, started some laundry, ordered breakfast to be delivered and picked up around my apartment. And then I sat and enjoyed my food and coffee, watched one, not 5, episodes of The Office and then I turned my tv off, put a record on, and began to write.
Writing is the thing I've always turned to that can instantly help me make sense of my world and myself. It started with poetry in elementary school and I found that even if I wrote something that no one ever read, just putting it down on paper helped me to clarify my own feelings and maybe in some way, validate them. It doesn't matter how many inspirational and empowering quotes I read on instagram, if the thoughts don't come from my own mind, they aren't going to make much of a difference. My mind is a broken record of lies I tell myself. Lies about who I am, why I'm not important or am unwanted, why I haven't earned the things I crave. Lies about what I'm worth and what I do or don't deserve. Lies about where I am in relation to where I want to be and how unrealistic my dreams are because I'll never work hard enough to get them. And so on. And on. And on.
I think this post is getting away from me a bit but the point I'm trying to make is that today I am doing things that are good for me. Physically and mentally. So I'm writing truths and ignoring lies. I'm not checking my social media apps on a rotation every 5 minutes (or less). I'm not going to sit and wallow in the things that scare me and I'm not going to give into the anxiety that tells me if I don't replay these thoughts over and over again in my head, then surely I'll lose control of whatever it is that's worrying me. Because the reality is, I don't have control over any of it anyway so I might as well let go of that illusion. Today I will pray over those things and then let them go.
I hope anyone reading this who is having similar ups and downs or rollercoaster feelings might gain some sense of peace in knowing that they (you?) aren't alone in their struggles. I am a firm believer in sharing in the struggle when at all possible. That doesn't mean I plan to run screaming all my issues from the rooftops but it does mean I'm willing to share that my life isn't perfect and if you need someone to talk to about things that it seems most wouldn't understand, I'm here. I probably won't have any solutions for you but I'm a really good listener and empathizer. Just thought I'd add that in for anyone who isn't necessarily a writer and who might need a sounding board for their thoughts instead.
Below is a list of (mostly small) things that I know instantly make me feel better, mentally and/or physically. If you're having a tough day... or a tough year... maybe make your own list and start checking things off. And if you don't know what makes you feel better, maybe you need to try something new. Just a thought. But wherever you are mentally and physically today, I hope you take as much time for yourself as you can and if you need to, lean on someone for support. You might be surprised at who will understand what you're going through.
Things that make me feel better:
- A clean apartment
- Listening to a good record
- Writing
- Painting my nails
- Reading a romance novel
- Walking the isles of my favorite bookshop
- Taking care of my plants
- Cooking a healthy meal
- Sitting on my patio (provided it isn't swelteringly hot)
- Doodling
- Painting
- Photography
- Having all my laundry done (no I don't enjoy the chore, but I enjoy when it's finished)
- Writing letters to friends
- Doing my hair and make-up
- Having lit candles (mostly of the fall variety)
- Watching romantic comedies of the 90's and early 2000's
- Dusting and rearranging my books (stop judging me)
- A long, hot bath with bath bombs and oils
- Washing and moisturizing my face
- Singing to musical soundtracks at the top of my lungs (while maybe throwing in some choreo)
- Turning my ac temp down so I can pretend it's finally fall
- Getting something done that I've been putting off
- Early afternoon naps on my couch (usually with a cat or two draped over me)
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