An Invisible Battle

There are a lot of reasons why I write blog posts. Sometimes it's just to figure out how I feel about something, to clarify my own thoughts. Sometimes it's so that people will reach out and I'll feel less alone. Sometimes it's in the hope that I'll help someone else feel less alone. Sometimes it's just to vent, to air out frustrations and feel seen and heard. I think tonight's post might be a combination of all of those things.

Let me start by saying I'm fine... in the grand scheme of things. I just happen to be in a physically and mentally challenging season of life and in some moments it feels like this is going to go on forever. In moments of clarity, when I'm feeling good and giving myself some grace, I know that it won't and therefore I'll say it again... overall I'm fine.

But sometimes I'm not. Right now I'm not.

I'm going through some health issues, the details of which are not important, other than to say that they're making everyday life a little challenging right now. Some of them are issues I've dealt with on and off for basically my entire life, but they just seem to be getting worse in the last year or so. Most of the time I can just deal with the symptoms and no one even has any clue anything is going on. That hasn't been the case several times in the last several months however and it's getting hard to ignore and pretend I'm fine. 

But, almost worse than the symptoms themselves, is the anxiety that comes with not knowing what is causing them. And seeing doctors who also don't know what's causing them. At least not yet. I feel crazy going to my doctor's offices over and over again for the same issues, but we're working on finding the root causes. And because none of us have magic wands we can wave and get quick answers, it takes time. Time in which I'm feeling like crap, missing work, taking meds that may or may not be helping and also may or may not be making me feel even worse. And don't even get me started on the rest of life that just piles on top. Like a torn apart apartment that has been a disaster zone for almost 2 months, looking for a new apartment, a pandemic, and a school year that feels like it's never going to end (this is my disclaimer that I love my job and I love my kids, I'm just exhausted... all teachers are).

I am burned out. I don't know if it shows on the outside (I really hope it doesn't), but maybe that's part of the reason for this post. If I seem like an anxious ball of nerves, this is why. If I seem like I'm avoiding a conversation or being social, this is why. It probably has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with the fact that I just feel physically bad and right now I'm using all my energy just to get through the days. And it's hour to hour. Sometimes I think I'm imagining the worst of it. That it isn't as bad as I thought it was yesterday (or whenever), and then it hits again and I just want to crawl into bed for days.

Whatever is going on with my health might end up being nothing serious and I'll look back a month or more from now and think how melodramatic I sounded writing this and realize I had nothing to worry about from the beginning. Trust me, I hope that's how this goes. And even if it doesn't, I'll handle whatever is thrown at me. I'm tough, probably tougher than I give myself credit for. But right now, in the moment, things kinda suck.

Things suck for a lot of people right now. Most of whom don't spend their Sunday nights writing down their inner-most thoughts so that other people can read them. Which is why I think we should all give each other some grace. Not just this year, but always. The quote about how everyone is fighting their own invisible battles has been going through my mind a lot lately. Be kind to people. Be kind to yourself. Give grace when you can. We all deserve it sometimes.

So here we are, at the end of the post where I always try to wrap things up eloquently and make it sound like I knew what I was going to write from the start, when usually I just kind of figure it out along the way. I can say that tonight I feel a little better having written this, organizing my thoughts, and also getting my worries out of my head and onto paper (or a screen as it were). I feel like someone will read it and understand, even if many don't. Hopefully someone else who is fighting a battle I don't know about will feel a little less alone and a little more understood. And maybe I'll be reminded to take my own advice and give myself some grace like I just advised everyone else to do.  ❤️  I guess only time will tell.