Monday, January 05, 2015

My Testimony of His Will


I’m starting to learn that God’s words often come at unexpected times, in unexpected ways.

I’m a writer. I don’t write as often as I used to, but I’m trying to get back into the habit of doing it regularly. One way I’m doing that is by doing 365 days of poetry, one poem a day. I’ve already written one today but I guess I felt like I had more to get out, because I decided to brainstorm another poem this evening (or rather this morning, as it’s well after midnight now). Unless I have a specific topic in mind or a sudden rush of inspiration, usually I just sort through all the meandering thoughts in my head for a first line. And then from there I add on. Sometimes a song lyric comes to mind that might inspire that line, or a character from a book, or maybe an emotion from something that happened earlier in the day. Tonight however, the phrase “depend on me” popped into my mind without any effort at all on my part. The second I thought it, I knew that was the first line. I knew from that small thought, I could build up to something great. And as I was about to write down those three small words, it hit me. Those words weren’t mine. They were meant for me, but they weren’t from me. God was using the gift that He has given me, to get through to me. “Depend on me.” Depend on Him. It was like a light bulb turned on in my head.

I’ve always felt that I don’t hear God the way that other people do. I’ve heard fellow Christians say things like “God was speaking to me,” or “God told me to do this,” and I always thought how lucky they are to be able to hear such clear messages from Him, when I often have to guess at whether the things I’m thinking are from Him or my own imaginative brain. But I’m starting to learn that God can speak to me any way that He pleases. And most often it isn’t always in the most obvious form. And rarely, if ever, is it on my terms.

I’m going through a lot of changes in my life right now, and I’m not good with change. In fact, I have a history of dealing with change very, very poorly. Just ask Ms. Bailey, who had to pry my little arms off of my mom's legs as she slowly backed out of the kindergarten classroom, leaving me on my own for the first time. When faced with the reality that change is coming, I tend to freeze up and stick my head in the sand, clinging to the familiar and the known. Even though I know deep down, that more often than not, the changes lead to bigger and better things. Unfortunately, I have an irrational fear of them and will almost always choose the path most easily taken. So right now, as my working relationship with River Pointe Church (which has been my whole life for the last nine months) changes, and I face the reality of needing to find a second job to pay off never ending student loans and bills and save up to work toward independence, all while deciding what direction I want my career to go in, my life is, as usual, changing. That terrifies me and gives me great anxiety. And because I think I have subconsciously been afraid of not receiving an answer from God, I haven’t been asking Him for guidance much lately.

Well tonight I think he answered the prayers that I’ve been too afraid to pray. I think He’s saying to me “Okay, you want words from me? Here are some words. DEPEND ON ME.” What a powerful answer. It brings tears to my eyes. I don't have to fear change, or a new job, or big decisions, because He will always see me through whatever difficulties I face. I guess I just needed a reminder.

God has never led me through anything that He didn’t stick around to help me get through, even if I didn’t realize it at the time. So just know, even if you can’t hear God’s voice whispering in your ear, that doesn’t mean He isn’t trying to speak to you or that He doesn’t have anything to say. And maybe He won’t answer your prayers when you think He should. Maybe it’ll be at one o’clock in the morning while you’re marathoning Friends on Netflix and doing a little bit of writing. It won’t be on your terms, but He will speak to you, in His time, in His way, when He knows you need to hear Him.

A part of the message at church this morning was to be a living testimony of God’s presence and love. I didn’t realize when I was listening to Blake Bergstrom preach this morning that I would be able to put that lesson into action so quickly. It’s just further proof that God has a much bigger plan in mind for us that involves our past, our present, and our future. And all things will happen in His time. We can’t see the bigger picture, but He can. And we just have to DEPEND ON HIM.

“Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
-Isaiah 41:10



1 comment:

  1. Well said sweetie. Thanks for writing this.... A reminder for all of us.
    You will be fine.
    Luv Dad....

    ReplyDelete